The Importance Of Rolling

(Somewhere halfway through a less enjoyable day than yesterday)

“Rarely are the first steps in a journey anything like the final ones, either in direction, pace or grace. So believe me when I tell you that none of those things are even half as important as the fact that there are steps at all. And by the time you’re really rolling, it will be in a direction you cannot now even imagine. So please, for the time being, just roll…

How To Prepare For A Dragon

It’s a dragon, Jim. But not as we know it.

This is the game that life plays with us. It sends us dragons. And these dragons come to test us. Physically, emotionally, mentally.  Sometimes all three.

They can be self-inflicted, sure. But most – and the worst –  swoop in unannounced, asking questions of our strength and resolve. Often razing hard built lives to the ground.

Ah such an ‘un-virtuous’ circle these dragons create. Good days and bad days, without rhyme or reason. For me personally, my dragon wears the marque of the evil C.  There are good days. During which I am gifted an unusual sense of urgency to get things done and make things happen. But then there are the bad days.  When best laid plans get shelved. People let down. Meetings chalked off.  And worse, you don’t really want to tell the truth – as to some, an injured wolf is a poor bet – so opportunities dissolve. You fade.

Damn these dragons. But, as hard it may be, we must try and use their invasion, to learn and grow. So when a dragon snarls, what can we do to give ourselves the best possible chance? For levity, growth and survival?

Here are 10, tried and tested ways to make dragon time more bearable. No matter what form it takes.

  1. Be honest and open with those you trust. You’re being pushed into a terribly hard journey, don’t make it harder by having to duck and weave. Transparency is Light.
  2. Expand your view of what is what. Bad to be poorly, good to be alive. To share. To teach. Gratitude is oxygen.
  3. Give yourself a break and listen to your body. Biology is consciousness.
  4. Take an audit of what you can do from home. What you may do if you feel alright, and what you need to 100% put on hold. If people don’t like it, then they’re not worth your time. Or your courage.
  5. Is Money an issue? Look for help, speak to friends and family, doctors etc..the support is there. Money has two faces. Don’t assume it’s an enemy. There is always a way. Always.
  6. Stay positive and focused – if you’re relapsing, then it means you’ve beaten it once. You can do it again – but you need ‘you’ on your side. More than anyone else.
  7. Get clear. On everything – what’s worrying, what’s good, what’s odd, hopeful, scary – everything. Write it down. Talk, share and then understand where you need support.
  8. Outside of medicine, build your back up team – healers, mentors, friends. And create a physical environment that supports what you need. Make it warm. Make it healing. Safe. Honest. Supportive.
  9. And know, above all else, that everything will be ok. Everything will be ok.  You are not broken. You are simply human. And to be human is a wonderful thing.
  10. Try and embrace the dualism of life. The balance, the perfect balance that exists in all things. No one thing can exist without its polar opposite. And so we can remove labels and find the deep calm in allowing ourselves to be expressed by and through nature.

There is a time for everything. And this too, will pass.

[And breathe]

Rambling (unedited free flow of thought)

(Unedited thoughts from the long grass)

A dear and trusted co-pilot once told me; ” just write. write and don’t look back. don’t check. don’t edit. just get it down…”

We shared several Hendricks & Tonics in between the black notes of a Soho dusk. It was sound advice.

One learn’s a lot about one’s self during the inhales of a ramble.

This is a ramble. I’ll be sharing a few.

No doubt it will be littered – Carnival weekend littered – with grammatical car crashes and pitiful spelling. But one will learn a lot about one’s self during the inhales of a ramble. So I’m trying to not care.

This, is a ramble. (I do care, but I’m trying not to.)

So I find myself (slouching towards another birthday ) caught in the tension of a spirit vs science stand-off.

Biochemically, the dragon stirs. With menace.

The highs and lows are getting shorter.  The bell curve, shaped with less forgiveness.

And yet the spirit fights on. Pushing back hard against dem’  numbers.

The binarism of science versus the ambiguous and serial subjectivity of my Truth. My delicate, precious and yet profoundly empowering Truth.

(This, I must teach you, darling).

For now, treatment remains a suspended shadow in the dark corridor to the left. Yet the tension seems to tighten, daily, down the corridor to the right.

And then there’s grief.

For what’s been. But more confusingly, for what’s to come.

Or for what’s to be lost? I get confused.

The things that scare me most are not the things that will happen, it’s the things that won’t. Or at least will, but I may be forced to miss.

But it’s foolish, isn’t it? Being human is a fucking train crash sometimes.

I am of a strange and perhaps slightly contentious belief, that those who are chosen to endure nature’s cruelty, do so with a responsibility to share what they learn or are learning along the way, with others.

To teach. Seed hope. Help. Soothe. Lest others may one day find themselves in similar plots.

But I struggle with the balance. How about you? The balance between drawing from experience to teach, versus simply wanting to talk and be heard. Understood.

Loved?

When does this type of teacher become a victim? And when does is he become annoying? Are there rules here?

Neutral is hard. But reality is a mess.

(This, is a ramble. I’m trying not to care).

I wrote half a book once. You may have a read it.

I have so much to say, and I think, so much to teach. And yet it turns out, whilst the Melphalan was able to stall dragon, it couldn’t smote the fear.

Of Judgment. Ridicule. Rejection. But then there’s that responsibility. Sense of duty.  Even, dare I say, Purpose?

Being human is a fucking train crash sometimes.

I can’t bring myself to write the other half. And yet that is where the teaching is. Survival against the odds unveils our greatest wisdom and most edifying lessons.

Is this the work, Charlie? Is this the corridor we need to walk.

(Listen, the biggest tragedy is not that we are never loved, because we are always loved, it’s that sometimes we grant neither permission not access to the deepest parts of us that need it most.)

So this, was a ramble.